


When the heart breaks.

by ArtyMara1992



Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who & Related Fandoms, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon, Dysfunctional Family, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Fluff and Angst, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Self-Harm, comforting vastra
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-10
Updated: 2018-02-21
Packaged: 2019-02-13 01:25:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,825
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12972669
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ArtyMara1992/pseuds/ArtyMara1992
Summary: This is set in an alternate universe where the Doctor wasn't married to river song but his adoptive daughter Echo was. This is just a snippet of a potentially longer fic but the basics are still the same in that their time lines are back to front. We join Echo as she use a vortex maninpuator to take her to number 13 Pastonostor row shortly after River leaves for the last time to go to the library. WARNING: self harm. This may trigger some people.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This was caused by a small idea that blossomed into a story. I love the Doctor and River. But I always wanted River to be connected to the Doctor in some other way. The self harm comes from unfortunate personal experiences and a friend asking me how I thought Vastra would deal with it. This is part of a bigger story that I'm considering writing but wanted to see peoples reactions first. So in with the story.

When The Heart Breaks.

 

I gasped as I hit the floor hard, cold swiping through the hand that had landed on the floor to break my fall. I remained in my crouched position, head drooping almost to my knees trying to control my tears. I could almost hear River laughing at my inability to stay upright when travelling through the vortex, no matter what means of travel I took. Tears dripped from my eyes onto my hand. She would never laugh at me again, never help fix an injury from me being clumsy, never hold me again. River was gone. And I didn't know how to live with that. 

Standing up I winched as my shirt pulled on the cuts on my arms. They had obliviously started to bleed again at some point during my trip and had gotten stuck to the material. I’d almost forgotten what it was like. To have wounds inflicted by my own hand. Id given up cutting when river had found out. The look of heart break on her face was enough to make me want to never do it again. But with her gone, falling back on old habits was easier then facing my grief but I knew it wasn't a good idea. I knew it wasn't what River would want which is why I was here.

Number 13 Pastonostor row loomed before me, its blue door reminding me strongly of the TARDIS. Behind that door I knew I would find the support I needed. While jenny was likely to mother me and Strax was able to provide medical assistance they wasn't really the person I was here for. Don’t get me wrong, jenny an Strax were like family to me and would surely help in their own way. But they didn't know about the scars that littered my arms, or about how it felt to lose what felt like your world. I didn't want sympathy. I wanted someone who could understand and possibly guide me back to the light. I needed Madam Vastra.

Vastra, who lost all her sisters in one go yet managed to overcome her anger and even help the people who killed them. Vastra who had managed to build a life in a world so different from her own.

Vastra, the first person who ever realised I self harmed and didn’t demand I stop but tried to help me find other ways to cope. Who knew I didn't need coddling or overwhelming sympathy, that I would talk when I was ready. 

Brushing my hands against my jeans as I straighten I glance around before climbing the steps to number 13. Taking a deep breath a knock, and waiting, trying desperately to hold onto any further tears and to hide the slight tremor in my hands.

“boy?” Strax is looking at me in puzzlement but that's not really surprising I don't normally arrive but the front door.

“Vastra?” is all I can get out past the lump in my throat. Now anyone who know Strax knows he isn't one for subtly, but I’m guessing even he could seem something was not right cause with a stiff nod of his head he pointed to the conservatory, letting me past with no threats. I knew then that I really much have looks rough if Strax was threatening to melt me with acid as normal.

I took a deep breath as I stepped into the conservatory. It was warm and smelled of earth and flowers that wouldn't be found anywhere else in London. I felt the knot in my chest loosen a little as I took in the familiar surrounding that hadn't change since I had last been there.

“Echo?”

I jumped as a figure rose from a wicker chair, mentally kicking myself. Id come her to see Vastra after all but upon arriving I had let myself forget for a split second what had brought me here. 

I watched as she walked toward me, not aware of having walked further into the conservator myself at some point and sinking onto a small patch of grass that had been specially planted there for me in my younger days when Vastra and Jenny had found I prefured sitting on the floor to sitting on chairs.

I watched as her tongue flicked out slightly, her eyes flashing with emotion I couldn't name.

“your bleeding.” it wasn't a question

I nodded pulling off my shirt leaving me in my t-shirt baring my lower arms which were covered in old scars. But that wasn't what Vastra was smelling. She was smelling the new cuts on each arm. 5 on each. One for each year I got to spend with river (well if you count jumping in and out of each others time-line as spending time with someone).

Vastra growled lightly in the back of her throat, falling to her knees before me, holding onto my wrist, running one finger over the cuts gently, as if she could take away the hurt with her touch. When she looked into my eyes I could see no sympathy. She knew I didn't want sympathy. But her eyes were filled with compassion and in a way that hurt more.

“Why?”

I flinched. It was part of our deal. She wouldn't force me to stop cutting as long as I came to her when things got to bad and if I told her why it happened. At first I thought it was because she was still trying to understand human culture, then I had thought she was doing it to be cruel. It had taken me many years to understand that she always asked why so that I would ask myself why. 

Self harmer's all have different reasons to why they do it. Some to feel anything other then their depressive thoughts. Some to punish themselves for persived wrong doings. Some even do it to prove to themselves that they are still alive. The reasons are endless. And over time I came to understand that Vastra asking why was her way of finding out if she could find another outlet, another way for me to find what I was looking for. 

Tears ran down my face as I fought to answer her. Cool scaled hands cupped my cheeks, soothing my tears from under my eyes as they fell.

“Why?”

Suddenly I knew the exact answer.

“Guilt. River is dead. I knew if she went to the library she would die. And I let her go anyway. I didn't want to feel guilty any more.” I started to cry harder. “ maybe if I cut enough it would erase what I did and she wouldn't be dead. Maybe I would take her place...”

I realised I was rambling and Vastra pulled me against her shoulder letting me cry. She startled slightly as I spoke again clearly thinking I was done for now.

“My wife is dead. I have no-one left. What have I got to live for..?”

She stroked my hair as I started to drift, exhausted from trying to hold myself together.

“There is always something to live for. And we will help you find it."


	2. Trying to start again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Echo tries to settle into life a pastnotor row. But with the ghost of her wife hanging over her, can she ever find peace.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Same warnings as before. Self harming triggers. Possible warning for non consensual touching. Thanks for the comments I got after the last chapter. I've decided to continue this but the updates are not going to be regular, mostly when inspiration strikes.

The next morning found me punching a bag of sand in the basement, trying to clear my thoughts with the repetitive movement. 

I'd woken that morning in Jenny's and Vastra bed. I've never been told what Vastra had told Jenny originally about why I would occasionally turn up in their bed chamber. and I never fell asleep there. In the past I had always presumed it was nightmares that had woken the household, which had lead me to being carried to the room by either Strax or Vastra, but I clearly remembered breaking down in Vastra's arms the day before on the patch of grass in the conservatory the day before, many hours before dark. 

I'd woken disorientated and had carefully snuck out of the bed and room, finding my old work out clothes in my room from my previous visits, and disappeared into the basement, well before the sun had risen. Since then it had been me and the continuous thunk of my hands hitting the sand. I briefly recall Jenny carefully slipping in the room at some point, leaving a cup of tea on a tray near the door. But other then that, I had been left to myself and my thoughts.

My punches grew in strength as my mind slipped into a memory. It had been River who had first taught me to punch someone after a guy at school had tried to put his hand down my shirt. I had already started my travels with the doctor by then, and it was only the second time I had met her. 14 year old me had ran into the TARDIS crying and hidden in my room. The Doctor, not being able to get a response out of me, and without the ponds there to help him, had called River in as "reinforcement". I could still remember how she had convinced the TARDIS to open the door to my room, something it would not do for the Doctor, and then had shut the door on the Doctor's face, telling him we were going to have a little women to women talk. She had been so furious when I had finally revealed why I was so upset. Its only looking back that I know that the only reason she hadn't gone after the guy responsible is this was a version of the woman who would one day become my wife, and who knew that in the future I would get my own revenge. Instead she had taken my to the gym (haven been told by the doctor on no terms was I allowed a gun at the age of 14, and guns were no way of sorting out problem ect), and had preceded to teach my the most venerable parts of the body and how to get the most power out of my punches for my small frame. If I closed my eyes I could still fell her body against mine, her hands clasped over my own as she guided me though the punches against a dummy, making sure my form was correct so I didn't hurt myself. I believe that was the day my crush on River Song was created, and I had no idea that in a few years I would be calling her wife. 

"What in the Goddess's name are you doing?" Vastra's sharp voice snapped me out of the past, as I was pulled against a cool body, my arms gently but securely restrained at my sides. 

My face felt swollen and ached, making me realised I had been crying for some time. my heart beat furiously in my chest, copied by a pulsing in my hands. Vastra, upon seeing I wasn't going to fight her and was back in the present, let go of my arms to turn my to face her. I gasped in pain as she lifted my hands, as a long hiss escaped her. I couldn't tell if it was in sympathy or disappointment as I aught sight of my own hands. I hadn't wrapped my hands before starting that morning, having originally only going to spend a short time practicing my punches before moving on. Looking at the swollen bleeding knuckles, several of which were misshapen, my thumb on my right hand completely bend in a disturbing way, I realised that once again I had let my guilt take hold of me, and had at some point forgotten what I had been taught about punch with my thumb tucked in.

Vastra's finger wiping under my eye caused me to meet hers. I hadn't realised I was still crying slightly.

"Jenny came and found me a few minuets ago. Apparently she had tried to get your attention for some time without success before noticing your hands bleeding. She was quite concerned and came and fetched me from a rather tedious meeting." she shook her head slowly as she looked at my hands again "I should have checked on you sooner. Am I right in guessing that your grief over Professor Song is still overwhelming you despite our talk yesterday?"

"Vastra, I'm sorry... I never wish to disturb you.." I was cut off.

"Jenny was right to come for me when she did. As it is your going to have to spend sometime with Strax to repair your hands, but you did not answer my previous question. Is this the result of your grief over Professor Song?"

I ducked my head.

"It wasn't at first, I just wanted to blow off some steam, then I started remembering. She was the one who taught me to fight. it was the day I feel in love with her. The Doctor was so mad that she was teaching a young teenager to fight, and to fight dirty at that. But she just smiled at him sweetly and said "Spoilers" when he asked what possible reason would I need to have to need such skills." I could feel myself shaking. "Those lesson saved me so many times, yet when it came time for me to save her what did it do. I let her go to her death. What kind of person does that make me?"

Vastra had pulled me against her as I rambled, stroking my hair as she thought carefully over what she was about to say.

"When someone you love dies, the grief can be strong. But when its a death you knew was coming, the guilt can cloud your memories of them, tainting their memory and your love. River Song's death was a fixed point in time. We will never know what would have happened if you had told her of her fate. But from my brief encounters of the women, I can honestly say, I don't think it would have prevented her from going. She would bend the rules, even ignore the rules of time itself to save the people she loved, but could she save her own life, know in doing so she could risk both yours and the Doctors? That doesn't sound like the woman I knew. there is not a doubt in my mind that if you had told her she would have still gone, but it would have been so much harder for her, knowing she would be causing you so much pain by doing what was right. Don't let your guilt taint the memories you have for her. Feel the grief and miss her, but let yourself remember the good times and carry on. Even if it is only for her sake."

I shook my head softly.

"I'm not sure I can."

"That's what we are here for. Myself, Jenny and Strax are here for you. I know guilt is hard to let go of, and I'm not expecting you to do it straight away. Just think on what I said."

I nod slowly, reaching up to wipe my eyes, only to hiss sharply at trying to move my hand.

"Here allow me."   
Vastra gently wiped my face with a handchief before nodding toward the basement door.

"Now I don't know about you but I am in need of a nice strong cup of tea, and I happen to know my wife is waiting quite anxiously for you to return upstairs. I know how much you hate being "mothered" as you put it, but maybe this once, let us take care of you. Jenny was very scared when you wouldn't respond to her and as you probably remember quite well it helps her settle if she can look after someone for a while, besides your not going to be able to do much with those hand for at least a day or two even with Strax's help. So humour us for once and let us take care of you."

I let a small smile as Vastra led me to the door at her description of Jenny's mothering. And I can't deny, even if it was only to myself, the warm feeling I felt when Jenny wrapped her arms round me in a hug, gently scolding me for not using the proper protection on my hands before leading me to my favourite chair and placing a blanket over me, telling me firmly that I was not to sit on the floor while I was hurt before calling for Strax, while bustling off to make some tea. I shared a small look the Vastra over the top of my blanket to where she sat across from me, rolling my eyes, as Jenny returned, a large pot of tea and several tea cup balanced on a tray in her hands, muttering about Strax and the silverware, putting the tea down before fiddling with my blanket again. Vastra hid her smile behind her cup.

Maybe with their help I would get through this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again all mistake are my own as my mates are still being idiots and refusing to read through my work for me. I tried to keep everything in character here. I used my own experiences with grief and coping mechanisms to write the chapter, only I punched a wall not a bag of sand. Hopefully I kept Vastra's response in context.

**Author's Note:**

> Kudos keep me warm and comments are appreciated. Let me know if I should write the bigger story. Peace out.


End file.
